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Bring Back The Freakin’ 90’s!

Monday, December 22nd, 2008
by benjiC32

Alright Crenca Crazies, the moment you have all been waiting for, my first installment on WA Mash. I know just calm down now. No need to go grab a bottle of Crystal Pepsi or play with your Tickle me Elmo or maybe your furb…Oh wait. Those things are not around anymore. Probably the greatest decade in the history of the world has disappeared. Ladies and gents, I speak of the 90’s.

Let’s face it, the 90’s was a fly decade. So much going on! I mean when else in a 10 year period would a stereotypical Chihuahua capture the hearts of millions, or a sheep be cloned, or two candies be able to talk and make you eat things that look like them, not to mention a rapper made us say “Uhhhhhh” for no apparent reason? Ill tell you when, never! Yet we have come to a point in our sad lives that we have forgotten about this magical period in time. The 21st century has taken over and not in a good way. Yeah sure we have iPods, Tide-to-go, and the No Child Left Behind act, but what else. Ok maybe Baha Men inspired some but nothing else. Remember, we had Lou Bega and Mambo #5. He alone trumps anything ever made from then on out.

Anyways, I have compiled a list of reasons why 90’s pop culture should make its return in the 21st century. If some of these things were still around, the world would be a better place. Listen to my arguments, or I will eat your soul faster then Sinéad O’Conner rips up pictures of the Pope

Number 1: Nickelodeon Guts and The Legends of the Hidden Temple off the air in 1995 ? Result: INCREASE IN CHILD OBESITY

Since 1995 child obesity has increased in the United States, most likely because these shows are not on the air anymore. Kids have not learned how to play and have fun like they used to. Who wants to work out when we can’t gain a piece of the Super Agro Crag? I know I went through a point in my life where I gained a lot of weight because I knew I couldn’t have that. Or I couldn’t run through a giant head that leads me through a temple where temple guards grab me. Oh well I guess we have to make due with cheesy Tony Little infomercials.

Number 2: The last Where’s Waldo book published in 1997 ? Result: MORE MISSING PEOPLE

We all remember Where’s Waldo. The tiny man with glasses in the striped hat that always found a way to get lost. But someone always found him. Well what do we do now? What those books actually were meant for was to train the public to find missing people in a crowd. We have not practiced finding missing people for over 10 years. John Walsh cannot do it all on his own.

Number 3: Ty Inc. ceased production of Beanie Babies in 1999 ? Result: ECONOMIC DOWNFALL

Beanie Babies used to be the addiction of every kid across the world. Then some jerk at Ty decided to stop making them. Well Mr. Ty the Beanie Babies were not just helping kids have fun, but it was also supporting the economy. Beanie Babies brought over $6 billion (trusty Wikipedia) into the economy. Something that could desperately be used now due to some guy who kind of ruined the economy. Will not name names.

Number 4: Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers off the air in 1995 ? Result: MORE WEAPONS DEATHS

The Power Rangers were a tough group of teenagers that fought against the powers of evil. They were well equipped with nice suits and fancy gloves and nice weapons. Yet they never used their guns. Very rarely did the Power Rangers take out their guns to fight. Gun violence has plagued this country in the 21st century. Power Rangers showed kids that you did not need violence to solve problems. All you needed was over dramatic fall tactics and monstrous robots that formed together to make a giant robot. Not much to ask for.

Number 5: Lorena Bobbit incident ? Result: MORE DOMESTIC ABUSE

Ok ladies, I know a lot of you look up to Lorena Bobbit. She don’t take no ISH from no one. Not even her deadbeat husband. After coming home late drunk one night, John Bobbit raped his wife (Lorena). When he went to sleep, she proceeded to cut off his male reproductive organ. Now I am a man but we do need more women like her in the world. Her and Xena: Warrior Princess should be every woman’s idol. You go girl! (90’s term, you 21st century-ites don’t understand).

Basically the 90’s was all that and a bag of chips. I hope that these arguments have swayed your thinking. And if you still do not agree with what I say, we have Chuck Norris, You don’t, end of story.